Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Question period?

With the results of the most mediocre Canadian vote only days away, the country is abuzz with rumours and speculation. 

Who has Canada chosen as its most unspectacular of all the mundane?

Will it be celebrated televisionado Craig Oliver? This legendary Sunday morning airtime filler has been one of the network's staple pundants for almost 50 years. But is a succesful career in journalism enough to make him the most mediocre? As one big R Reformer put it:

"This old blowhard at CTV should have been put out to pasture 20 years ago. I'll never forget his interview with Preston Manning after Reform became the official opposition....he was literally screaming at Manning, accusing him of destroying the country....meantime, The Bloc, a party committed to such a breakup was apparently OK with Mr. Oliver. What a moron."

All will be revealed in the next issue of LWOT: The World's Greatest Fiction Magazine.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Canada's Stephen Colbert?

With the likes of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert making their way north onto Canadian television, they are raising the bar for our comedic talent.

Rick Mercer is one such talent who has planted his flag on the comedic landscape through years of work on the main network. As one voter said:

"Kind of the 'president's choice' brand version of John Stewart."

But are two successful shows and one of the most recognizable faces in the country enough to put him ahead of his compatriots? You decide.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

I've Got A Fever And The Only Prescription Is High Voter Turnout.

It's almost over.

With the bitter struggle soon to be decided, the leaders of Canada's national political parties jockey for position in the cockles of our hearts.

What better way to help shape the future of Parliament than with a vote for the most mediocre Canadian. LWOT has been a leading federal election prognosticator for the last century, correctly predicting the outcome of all but one during the magazine's illustrious publishing career.

Stephane Dion, the lead horse in our harness race of indifference, is poised to become the prime minister of mediocrity. As one Tory in "disguise" said:


But the head of her majesty's loyal opposition isn't the only leader to receive votes. Both Steven Harper and Jack Layton are holding their own in the slow trot to the finish line.

As one realist said of Harper:
"As PM, has achieved little in developing Canadian culture, economy or standard of living."

One Magnum P.I. fan said of Layton:
"In a time when Ottawa is full of less than passionate leaders (especially on the left) Mr. Layton has completely blown an opportunity to be a major player in Canadian history by focusing on ridiculous issues like ATM fees."

But do any of those reasons justify a place as the most mediocre Canadian? You decide.

Monday, August 18, 2008

And That's The Kind Of Mediocrity It's Been

With three national networks comes three national news anchors who bring their distinct views of the world to the masses through glowing boxes.

One shares a name with a screwdriver, one married a CBC starlet and one wears a tie, but are all of those things enough to make one of them the most middling Canadian?

As some of our newshounds put it:

Kevin Newman - "A smarmy, politically correct man, who,like Dicken's Uriah Heap, will interview someone like Stephen Harper with polite sarcasm in one breath and knife him behind his back when he's gone in the next. A parasite."

Lloyd Robertson - "A third-rate anchor of a second-rate news cast who thinks he's Canada's version of Dan Rather. Okay, he could be right on that given Rather's sucktitude, but, criminy. You'd think our country's biggest news program could find an anchor who behaves more like a news anchor and less like a wrinkled Max Headroom."

Peter Mansbridge - "He's a lame newsthingie bloated with self importance. His sense of 'gravitas' recalls in my mind the conviction and timbre of a kazoo played by pre-schoolers."

But is having a job that allows them to go pantless in front of thousands enough to put them ahead of Roy Forbes? You decide.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Terry Evanshen Is Dead And He's Not Coming Back

Canadian television has a checkered past.

Whether it's our shows based on a "clever" play on words or our ability to turn a successful movie franchise into a sub-par television series with a cult following, there's no clearer sign of Canadian mediocrity than the boob tube.

Actor David James Elliot is the standard bearer with his passable performance in Fly By Night. With an IMDB page that requires you to click "more" to see the guy from JAG on the cast list, Fly By Night epitomized everything about the so-so nature of original Canadian television.

Mediocre Canadian TV show checklist:
1. Francophone character
2. Trained animal and/or former adult film star
3. Recurring appearance by actor on downward slope of career peak*
4. Play on words in series title
5. Co-production with company from western European country

Although many series have met some of the above criteria (Katts and Dog, White Fang, Street Justice), Fly By Night managed to hit them all.

In a surprising lack of foresight by Gene Simmons, buxom blond Shannon Tweed played the irrepressible Sally "Slick" Monroe, owner of Fly By Night airlines. Playing the vivacious Mack Sheppard, Elliott became this country's McGyver for a complete season.

Like fellow nominee My Secret Identity, Fly By Night separated itself from the rest of the run-of-the-mill by graduating at least one star whose career was not killed by their appearance on the show. Its forgettable scripts and inexplicable trips to Nice helped put this show somewhere between Swiss Family Robinson and Danger Bay on the mediocrity scale and lead the unremarkable honour of the show being named the most mediocre Canadian television show.

*Christopher Plummer is the exception to the rule.

Monday, July 28, 2008

The Mother Corp. Has Landed

What radio and television juggernaut could reach almost every living Canadian and unite them with the wonders of a redheaded she-devil and a stompin' singer's wedding yet still leave people apathetic about its future?

As the non-individual with the most votes so far, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation remains a part of the Canadian consciousness with such hits as Twitch City, Alan Hamel's Comedy Bag and Quentin Durgens, M.P. With 23 vote getters who played some sort of prominent role on the CBC, the public broadcaster has left a lasting mark in the field of mediocrity.

As one Tidewater Tramp fan put it:

"Presents a lineup of mediocrities that would be unemployed if they had to work out side the Mother Corp."

But is keeping Luba Goy warm through harsh Canadian winters enough to make the CBC the most mediocre? You decide.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Sweeping Away The Competition

Paul Gross, aka. George Clooney North, may have stolen women's hearts in Aspen Extreme but can he steal votes away from his competitors? With average eyes you could get lost in and an adequate smile that makes teenage girls weep, Gross serged across the small screen after a career on the stage and in movies no one has heard of.

As one button presser said:

"Paul Gross is a wooden, uninteresting actor with aspirations to be a mediocre scriptwriter. He received front-page acclaim in Maclean's magazine when he jumped from his boring TV show to a boring bit part in a forgotten Hollywood movie. Then he entered the stratosphere of Canadian moviemaking through the taxpayer-funded sedative "Men with Brooms". His mediocrity was almost averaged out by co-starring with the (only) slightly-less mediocre Leslie Nielsen. Astonishingly he has not yet been given his own late-night CBC variety show, but since they haven't yet settled on a replacement for Ralph ben Mergui there is still time."

But is making a financially successful Canadian movie enough to crown him as the most mediocre? You decide.