Question period?

With the results of the most mediocre Canadian vote only days away, the country is abuzz with rumours and speculation. 

Who has Canada chosen as its most unspectacular of all the mundane?

Will it be celebrated televisionado Craig Oliver? This legendary Sunday morning airtime filler has been one of the network's staple pundants for almost 50 years. But is a succesful career in journalism enough to make him the most mediocre? As one big R Reformer put it:

"This old blowhard at CTV should have been put out to pasture 20 years ago. I'll never forget his interview with Preston Manning after Reform became the official opposition....he was literally screaming at Manning, accusing him of destroying the country....meantime, The Bloc, a party committed to such a breakup was apparently OK with Mr. Oliver. What a moron."

All will be revealed in the next issue of LWOT: The World's Greatest Fiction Magazine.

Canada's Stephen Colbert?

With the likes of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert making their way north onto Canadian television, they are raising the bar for our comedic talent.

Rick Mercer is one such talent who has planted his flag on the comedic landscape through years of work on the main network. As one voter said:

"Kind of the 'president's choice' brand version of John Stewart."

But are two successful shows and one of the most recognizable faces in the country enough to put him ahead of his compatriots? You decide.

I've Got A Fever And The Only Prescription Is High Voter Turnout.

It's almost over.

With the bitter struggle soon to be decided, the leaders of Canada's national political parties jockey for position in the cockles of our hearts.

What better way to help shape the future of Parliament than with a vote for the most mediocre Canadian. LWOT has been a leading federal election prognosticator for the last century, correctly predicting the outcome of all but one during the magazine's illustrious publishing career.

Stephane Dion, the lead horse in our harness race of indifference, is poised to become the prime minister of mediocrity. As one Tory in "disguise" said:

"Meh."

But the head of her majesty's loyal opposition isn't the only leader to receive votes. Both Steven Harper and Jack Layton are holding their own in the slow trot to the finish line.

As one realist said of Harper:
"As PM, has achieved little in developing Canadian culture, economy or standard of living."

One Magnum P.I. fan said of Layton:
"In a time when Ottawa is full of less than passionate leaders (especially on the left) Mr. Layton has completely blown an opportunity to be a major player in Canadian history by focusing on ridiculous issues like ATM fees."

But do any of those reasons justify a place as the most mediocre Canadian? You decide.

And That's The Kind Of Mediocrity It's Been

With three national networks comes three national news anchors who bring their distinct views of the world to the masses through glowing boxes.

One shares a name with a screwdriver, one married a CBC starlet and one wears a tie, but are all of those things enough to make one of them the most middling Canadian?

As some of our newshounds put it:

Kevin Newman - "A smarmy, politically correct man, who,like Dicken's Uriah Heap, will interview someone like Stephen Harper with polite sarcasm in one breath and knife him behind his back when he's gone in the next. A parasite."

Lloyd Robertson - "A third-rate anchor of a second-rate news cast who thinks he's Canada's version of Dan Rather. Okay, he could be right on that given Rather's sucktitude, but, criminy. You'd think our country's biggest news program could find an anchor who behaves more like a news anchor and less like a wrinkled Max Headroom."

Peter Mansbridge - "He's a lame newsthingie bloated with self importance. His sense of 'gravitas' recalls in my mind the conviction and timbre of a kazoo played by pre-schoolers."

But is having a job that allows them to go pantless in front of thousands enough to put them ahead of Roy Forbes? You decide.

Terry Evanshen Is Dead And He's Not Coming Back

Canadian television has a checkered past.

Whether it's our shows based on a "clever" play on words or our ability to turn a successful movie franchise into a sub-par television series with a cult following, there's no clearer sign of Canadian mediocrity than the boob tube.

Actor David James Elliot is the standard bearer with his passable performance in Fly By Night. With an IMDB page that requires you to click "more" to see the guy from JAG on the cast list, Fly By Night epitomized everything about the so-so nature of original Canadian television.

Mediocre Canadian TV show checklist:
1. Francophone character
2. Trained animal and/or former adult film star
3. Recurring appearance by actor on downward slope of career peak*
4. Play on words in series title
5. Co-production with company from western European country

Although many series have met some of the above criteria (Katts and Dog, White Fang, Street Justice), Fly By Night managed to hit them all.

In a surprising lack of foresight by Gene Simmons, buxom blond Shannon Tweed played the irrepressible Sally "Slick" Monroe, owner of Fly By Night airlines. Playing the vivacious Mack Sheppard, Elliott became this country's McGyver for a complete season.

Like fellow nominee My Secret Identity, Fly By Night separated itself from the rest of the run-of-the-mill by graduating at least one star whose career was not killed by their appearance on the show. Its forgettable scripts and inexplicable trips to Nice helped put this show somewhere between Swiss Family Robinson and Danger Bay on the mediocrity scale and lead the unremarkable honour of the show being named the most mediocre Canadian television show.

*Christopher Plummer is the exception to the rule.

The Mother Corp. Has Landed

What radio and television juggernaut could reach almost every living Canadian and unite them with the wonders of a redheaded she-devil and a stompin' singer's wedding yet still leave people apathetic about its future?

As the non-individual with the most votes so far, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation remains a part of the Canadian consciousness with such hits as Twitch City, Alan Hamel's Comedy Bag and Quentin Durgens, M.P. With 23 vote getters who played some sort of prominent role on the CBC, the public broadcaster has left a lasting mark in the field of mediocrity.

As one Tidewater Tramp fan put it:

"Presents a lineup of mediocrities that would be unemployed if they had to work out side the Mother Corp."

But is keeping Luba Goy warm through harsh Canadian winters enough to make the CBC the most mediocre? You decide.

Sweeping Away The Competition

Paul Gross, aka. George Clooney North, may have stolen women's hearts in Aspen Extreme but can he steal votes away from his competitors? With average eyes you could get lost in and an adequate smile that makes teenage girls weep, Gross serged across the small screen after a career on the stage and in movies no one has heard of.

As one button presser said:

"Paul Gross is a wooden, uninteresting actor with aspirations to be a mediocre scriptwriter. He received front-page acclaim in Maclean's magazine when he jumped from his boring TV show to a boring bit part in a forgotten Hollywood movie. Then he entered the stratosphere of Canadian moviemaking through the taxpayer-funded sedative "Men with Brooms". His mediocrity was almost averaged out by co-starring with the (only) slightly-less mediocre Leslie Nielsen. Astonishingly he has not yet been given his own late-night CBC variety show, but since they haven't yet settled on a replacement for Ralph ben Mergui there is still time."

But is making a financially successful Canadian movie enough to crown him as the most mediocre? You decide.

Where Have You Gone Walt Whitman?

Some things look better in the shade and if you knew a black car is one of those things then you might have voted for Gino Vannelli.

Thanks to Canadian content regulations, his songs remain in regular rotation at the nation's leading light rock radio stations. One of Canada's first pop musician heartthrobs, Vannelli still surprises the listening public by not being dead. But is the ability to take in and exhale a steady stream of breaths enough to make him the most mediocre? As one voter said:

"Hairy 70's early 80's singer who sang really bland songs."

Can wild horses drag him away from the competition? You decide.

Just Don't Call Me Late For Dinner

The Wrench. The Great One. The Rocket. The Hitman. Stubby.

Some nicknames instill fear, others inspire people with their greatness.

Rick Campanelli's does neither of those.

The bearer of Canada's most mediocre nickname, Campanelli was dubbed "The Temp" after he won a competition to become a temporary employee or "temp" at Much Music. With his proven ability to throw a Christmas tree into a dumpster and his "I have dental coverage" smile, he parlayed his delusions of adequacy into a spot on Global's version of eTalk Daily.

As one astute voter put it:

"I remember him as a VJ on Much Music and now I think he is a co-host of ET Canada. This guy is politically impotent, culturally irrelevant, and his death will not be remembered. But he's still on TV and he's recognizable. I can think of no other Canadian who espouses mediocrity like Rick 'The Temp'."

Campanelli's handle, while amusing for a few months, lost some of its lustre during his long tenure with the nation's music station, yet it still retained enough comedic value to surpass the likes of Jimmy the Janitor, Humble Howard Glassman and Dull Vicki Gabereau.

Hockey Night In Blandada?

What makes a man and/or woman mediocre? Is it playing second fiddle on one of the nation's highest rated television shows or owning a voice that's instantly recognizable by anyone young enough to still have their hearing and old enough to use a toilet not made of plastic?

Bob Cole, long time play-by-play announcer for fellow nominee the CBC, is known for milking every syllable for all it's worth and for being Harry Neale's arm candy. As one voter put it:

"CBC Hockey Night In Canada Play-by-Play announcer. He takes a whiz-bang game like hockey and calls it so slowly as to give all Canadians a dull-like appearance."

Does Cole have the tin tongue needed to propel him past the likes of Craig Oliver? You decide.

The Moderately Honourable

With over 3,000 visitors since Canada Day, The Most Mediocre Canadian has become more popular than a hat store on free hat day during a semi-annual hat festival.

To celebrate this momentous occasion, Lies With Occasional Truth presents to you Canada's prime ministers* in order of votes received.

Steve Harper
Joe Clark
Jean "The Shawinigan Handshake" Chretien
Pierre Trudeau
Paul Martin Jr.
William Lyon Mackenzie King
Lester Bowles Pearson

What makes these men so mediocre? As some of our voters put it:

Stephen Harper - "He's managed to quash any and all progressive legislation to the insure the status quo stays intact. Safe injection sites only protect junkies. Let's get rid of those."

Joe Clark - "The most undistinguished, squishy and unconservative imaginable leader of a 'right wing' political party. His picture is prominently displayed under the word 'milquetoast' in the Canadian dictionary."

Jean Chretien - "Three majority governments whose biggest accomplishment was its majority governments."

Pierre Trudeau - "Permanently screwed up the country by turning it into an entitlement-minded socialist nanny-state run by unaccountable bureaucrats, and because he brought us the despicable HRCs (human rights commission)."

Paul Martin - "Canada's most perfect example of the Peter Principle in action, Paul Martin was such a mediocre leader that even his fall from the top was unexceptional."

William Lyon Mackenzie King - "Truly he will be remembered wherever men honour ingenuity, ambiguity, inactivity, and political longevity. Let us raise up a temple to the cult of mediocrity. Do nothing by halves which can be done by quarters."

Lester B. Pearson - "Played by all the rules, always tried to not rock the boat, defanged the Canadian military, invented peacekeeping (the lamest foreign policy and contribution to national pride ever)."

But do those things really put them above the Rene Simard's of our country? You decide.


*Leading in votes as the most mediocre, not in an actual election, federal or otherwise.

Jackpot?

They may have won the genetic lottery, but can Justin Trudeau or Ben Mulroney win the title of Most Mediocre Canadian?

Mulroney inherited his father's robust chin. Trudeau inherited his dad's ability to marry attractive women. One hosts a talent show that produces a distinct lack of celebrity on the part of its winners. The other went to Winterlude with fellow nominee Rick Mercer.

But does that make them the most mediocre?

As one Mulroney fan put it:
"Mediocre looks. Mediocre talent. Regularly praises mediocrity in the most maudlin fashion on Canadian Idol."

Trudeau, always the statesman, drew this vote:
"Making a career out of professional speaking while merely carrying a recognizable name. He is the Paris Hilton of Canada, without the fun."

Do famous last names give these men the edge over the competition? You decide.

Say It Ain't So, Corky!

How sad is it that being one of Canada's top comedians equates, in cross-border conversion, to being a lowly contestant on a second-rate American reality show? Sad enough to earn Last Comic Standing finalist Sean Cullen a place in history as the Most Mediocre Canadian?

Or had he already rightfully earned that title as the leader of Canada's seminal "comedy" group Corky and The Juice Pigs? You decide.

Warren Kinsella: Apparently Canada's James Carville

Though he apparently had nothing to do with Kevin Costner's breakout performance in Field of Dreams, Kathy at Five Feet of Fury nonetheless justifies her vote for Warren Kinsella as the Most Mediocre Canadian. Read it here.

Can I See That Smile Again, If It's Not Too Much Trouble?

The votes keep pouring in and more than 100 people have now received at least one vote as proliferators of outstanding mediocrity. Not one to shy away from competition, former talkshow place-holder Alan Thicke is right in the thin of things.

He may have played the wise, square-jawed father on the only family television show to feature a character named Boner, but is the erstwhile Jason Seaver's appearance on the short-lived series JPod enough to relegate him to the lower depths of Canadian averageness? As one voter put it:

"Although I believe that there is a street named after him somewhere (Kirkland Lake?), here is a man that not only demonstrated mediocrity in-country, but exported ennui to the United States. The Alan Thicke show & Growing Pains - the perfect face of mediocrity."

Should he top the list alongside the likes of Kevin Newman and Luba Goy? You decide.

Waiter, There's Banality in My Soup

With hundreds of votes pouring in, many of which bear familiar names like Mulroney and Trudeau, let's take a moment to shine the spotlight on a lesser-known magnate of Canadian mediocrity.

Bonnie Stern may be the author of 12 best-selling cookbooks, but that doesn't mean her HeartSmart cuisine isn't as bland and tasteless as most Canadian cooking. According to one eloquent voter:

"No one has done more to neuter the Canadian palate than Bonnie Stern. She has somehow fooled the nation into believing that the home economist's anal obsession with low fat and high folic acid has something to do with fine cooking. She prances her way through the kitchen as though she personally invented fire, yet hasn't had a truly original idea in her entire career. Her cookbooks look like overblown margarine brochures."

Does she truly deserve a place among the frontrunning Clarks and Harpers? You decide.

Brent Gretzky: The Mediocre One

Though he shares the NHL record for Most Points Scored by Two Siblings (Wayne: 2853, Brent: 4), Brent Gretzky's most amazing accomplishment might have been his ability to grow up in the Gretzky household without absorbing - even through accidental osmosis - any proficiency for the game of hockey. Still, with 13 NHL games under his belt, he has managed to make a career out of lacing up the skates. Now playing for the Brantford Blast of Major League Hockey, he can add Allan Cup Champion to his long list of mediocre triumphs.

Is he the Most Mediocre Canadian? You decide.

Vote cast, Canada asks "Who is that?"

Conspicuous tie wearer David Frum has received the first vote for the most mediocre Canadian. From his humble beginnings in journalist Barbara Frum's womb, he climbed the foot stool to reach the middle shelf in the kitchen cupboard of life. Infamous for coining the phrase "Axis of Evil," Frum was a speech writer for some guy in the States.

Is this man really the most mediocre Canadian?

Celebrate the Status Quo!

With a rich history of mediocrity, Canada has always celebrated the average, whether it's handing out 91 television awards in a country with two major networks (plus Global!), or proudly proclaiming to anyone who will listen that Dave Thomas, Shawn Ashmore and that guy from the Friends spinoff are Canadian.

This is your chance to let your voice be heard and tell the world Who is the Most Mediocre Canadian!

With a state-of-the-art "type-and-click" interface, the official Who is the Most Mediocre Canadian website allows you to weigh in on one of the most important issues of our time.

You can keep track of this grounbreaking contest right here. Every week at the Mediocre Canadian Official Blog, we’ll be shining the spotlight on landmark moments in Canadian mediocrity, from the release of Bad Company to the Vancouver Stevedore Strike of 1908. We’ll also be showcasing nominees in a variety of categories, including Most Mediocre Canadian TV Show, Most Mediocre Canadian Newspaper, and the Most Mediocre Moment in Canadian History.

In the meantime, don't delay. Vote now!